Journal Entry of a CG #1 " Why me ?"


Hey.

I am writing to you today to share with you my experience. I am not the one that is sick but I have lived every bit that I could with my wife and her condition. 4 years ago we finaly got a diagnose ankylitis spondilitys, Fibromialgia & slow Gout.

You see we lived the typical life, we use to work 60 to 80 hours per week, full of ambition and desire for a fruitful life all that was needed was the time and the effort. So we tough...

I remember that night when I found her on the floor. For 16 years she was taking painkillers and anti-inflammatory I guess there is only so much poison you can feed your body before it starts fighting back. But what were we to do? Dr said her pain was coming from a past work injury and other then this pill not much else to do. But what were we to do? The pain was so unbearable that the sight of relief seems the only way out,  that was often after her extending for as long as possible the laps in between intake. Trying to preserve her health

At first, the flare-up would last a few hours but at one point they reach 1.5 months of constant agony, crying day and night and now her body couldn't take any medication and everything the Dr. where trying where only making thing worst.

Before we go any further I want you to understand that I love my wife in every aspect and would not trade place with anyone Her illness save our lives. But like anyone facing life-changing event you are left with this one Question. WHY ME? for a long time I ponder on the question and it dawns on me...

You see me and my wife where first love in every sense of the term. When we met I was 13 she was 14 we were at a high school dance. My heart skips a beat when I saw her, the music was too loud to hear her talk. best this way anyways, I was so nervous who knows what would have come out, but I manage to summon the courage to ask her to dance with me. "Back then I was very shy with the opposite sex " but not that nigh. It was worthy of a scrip, we dance, we lost each other in our eyes, our soul connecting. We kiss, my very first kiss and then we lite our flame, a flame that was never to die. We dated for the summer but as all summer love do, reach their nirvana before returning to our life. But the odd thing was we live in the same county and knew the same people but for nearly 14 years we were never to cross path again and not for a lack of desire on my end I would of love to see her again and connect but faith would want it otherwise.

This is where the beauty of modern technology lies. The pilot flame always lite I had to see her again and over time I always did a search on her to see if I could find an email or a chat handle on MIRC without luck I guest our time was not set forth just yet until Facebook came to life that when I saw her name pass buy sent her a poke and now we are 12 years later and I am writing our stories to you.

So. Why me? Why us? Why This disease.? Last 2 I don't know yet but I am coming with a theory of my own which we will revisit on a future post but as for the first, the answer came clear as day. Because if not me, then who else.?  You see when I ask my self why me the very next tough was if not me then who? and then with that came would you want anyone else to care for her? Do you want to leave her care in the hand of anybody else? I don't know about you but I have lived her pain and in her moment most vulnerable, I would not want her to be left in anyone else care. When she told me that she does not feel safe in her body I would not want to be anywhere else than beside her to let her know she is loved, she is important and someone cares. And try to the best of my abilities to bring light into our life.

Why me?. Because this darma was sent on my path and in a world full of cruelty I feel honored to be the one holding the forth making space for her to heal herself.

Her illness saves our lives we were headed for the wall, living a life not suited for us, to please everyone else. In the process, we lost family, friend and pretty much our whole life. From a suburban life, she was working for the federal Gov. and I was head of operations for a transport Co. among so many other things to now-retired before 40 living like a gypsy in our motorhome. We had to educate ourself on holistic cares to treat her condition in the process I became a Yoga Therapist.

I created this blog to share with you my perspective, my take on the subject. Maybe help others understand what they are going true from a new view. This Journey took us on a path to recovery. The road is filled with obstacles with many up and down but from my standpoint well worth it, given the option, we had left. We have come to understand life in a new light and the importance of health. Now since she could not use the "traditional " medicine we look long and hard at our option and found an array of cars to ease the pain I hope this can help some of you find comfort and for the caregiver find purpose and put them into action because let's be honest we often feel useless face in from other pain and suffering.

Side note I would like to make, we often react out of anger when we feel powerless in front of your condition and like a 5 years old we are unable to process our emotion, we act up ...

I will begin our stories a few years back. After I found her on the floor, no need to talk about the downside and side effect of medication as I am sure you know from your own experience and I am all about being positive so I would like to begin the day after we decided that we where not going to be defeated and regardless what the Dr said we where going to get better, this was not a death sentence and we where going to live.

The stories begin where we are both jobless I could not leave her alone anymore so I did freelance work there and there to make ends meet all while trying to care for her. We had reached, What I would call the "fuck it" point. We were totally lost, bill piling up, our life where crumbling at this point, she had lost 85% of her autonomy. We moved our bedroom on the first floor in the living room.

A trip to the bathroom was often enough to finish her for the day, Clouded in a daze, what she would refer to her "mind cloud" .

I will talk about our ups and downs, wins and fails and all the remedy we tried see what work and what had no effect.

See you next Time... and feel free to reach out I would love to know your storieand if you feel alone know that I am here to listen.

In the mean time please like and share this post if you like it ... This is how I know you like what I post and want more

 

Thank you, Hare Om

 


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